


If I Can't Have You

by len1985



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-12-17 00:37:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/len1985/pseuds/len1985
Summary: Serena joins a dating website to try to make sense of her feelings for Bernie. Will she find someone else or will they both admit that they already know who they want?





	1. Lydia

‘I think it's wise.’ ‘...confined to theatre.’ ‘Dyed in the wool heterosexual.’ Serena’s head was swimming with all of the ways Bernie had turned her down. She did want to forget it had ever happened apparently. Serena shook her head at her own stupidity as she swallowed another mouthful of Shiraz. Turns out that someone can kiss you like that and it means nothing. Perhaps to Bernie it did, but Serena had never been kissed like that before. She wanted to be kissed like that again. By Bernie.

In the absence of the blonde bombshell that she really had her sights on, Serena formulates a plan. She wants to know if she is only attracted to Bernie or woman in general and she can flirt with the best of them. With that in mind, she signs up on a dating site which seems respectable and comes with rave reviews. They cater for ‘woman of a certain age’, which makes Serena bristle slightly until she begrudgingly admits that's what she probably is. The last thing she needed was some embryo making her feel ancient and that wouldn't test her theory enough. She needed to know if she was interested in someone like Bernie or just Bernie. Her plan meant that she could figure out if she is a lesbian or bisexual or just Bernie-sexual. She chuckles when she comes up with that last one. This way she could work out what she wanted without ruining her friendship with the blonde or risking the perpetual deer in headlights look from her best friend. Once she knew for certain, had tested her theory and drawn her conclusions, then she could either put this to bed as a silly crush because she hasn't felt close to anyone in a while, or she could put Bernie to bed and...

She shakes herself out of that particular fantasy and tries to concentrate on making her profile summary witty and fun and flirtatious enough to attract, but not so much so that every woman thought she was up for anything. If she was honest, she wanted to leave out the middle woman and just be with Bernie, but their friendship wouldn't survive if she jumped into a relationship and discovered it wasn't for her after all. If she was lucky, one of the woman might serve to make Bernie jealous and she would admit that she wanted Serena as much as Serena wanted her. She hoped she did anyway.

She puts the finishing touches to her profile, and with a determined click of her mouse, she tapped on the ‘create profile' button and watched it load her information on to the website. If there was a hint of insecurity that perhaps she wouldn't interest any of the other women on the site, she pushed it to the back of her mind and downloaded the app version to her iPhone, so that she could keep track of her matches throughout her day.

Now all that was left to do was sit back and wait for someone to contact her. She decided that she wouldn’t go looking for matches, she was too conscious that she'd just end up searching for versions of Bernie. The plan was to say yes to everyone who asked her out. Within reason. She'd try her best not to compare them to the blonde and just see where the mood took her. Scientific and objective was her motto for this experiment. If it turned out that not all women were for her, then she'd have her answer: that it was just Bernie. She deliberately ignores the thought that perhaps Bernie really just wanted to be friends and waits to be contacted.

It takes a few days and a couple of nude pictures being sent to her uninvited (the first time, she almost smashes her phone screen in her haste to look away, as she slams it facedown on her desk in their office, burning with embarrassment. She furiously taps on the ‘delete’ button, swiftly followed by the ‘block contact’ button as Bernie looks on concerned, Serena insisting that everything is fine, before bolting out of the room as the blonde watches on totally flummoxed.) but she finally agrees to her first date.

Lydia is 48 and an architect who lives a few towns over but works from her offices in Holby. She is more or less Serena's height and has shoulder length auburn hair and the most unusual shade of green eyes that Serena has ever seen. They swap a couple of messages through the site and appear to have a fair amount in common, so Lydia suggests that they meet for a drink one night after work.

She gets stuck in theatre at the last minute and is forced to suggests Albies instead of where they had agreed to, so that they’d still have time to meet. She is aware that having to reschedule might make her seem uninterested and she couldn't face putting it off any more than strictly necessary. She can only pray that not too many of the other staff will be there and if they are, they will leave them in peace.

“Someone has a date.” Fletch comes in just as she tries to leave, needing a signature on a patient chart to order more tests. She sees Bernie out of the corner of her eye tuning into the conversation and failing miserably to make it look like she's engrossed in her monitor. The woman had the worst fake typing action imaginable. Serena wonders whether to tell the truth of not.

“What makes you think that, Nurse Fletcher?” She wills her tone to stay airy, light, almost disinterested, but isn't sure how successful she is.

“You got all spruced up, hair, makeup, I've never seen you wear a dress to work, so you've obviously changed your clothes. I can't imagine you got so dressed up just to go home and share cottage pie and World's Strongest Man with Jason. Who's the lucky man?” Fletch grins at the prospect of some gossip.

“Who says that it's a man?” Serena raises her eyebrows suggestively and Bernie nearly falls off her seat.

“Fair enough. Enjoy your date, boss.” Fletch winks and holds up the chart as a thanks for the signature. “You still coming to Albies after shift, Ms Wolfe?” He turns his attention to the blonde.

It takes Bernie a moment to pick her jaw up off the desk and realise that she's being spoken to. “Yep. Yes. Absolutely. First round’s on me!” She feigns cheeriness.

“That's what I like to hear!” Fletch grins at her.

“I'll finish up here first. Say 20 minutes.” Bernie gestures at the paperwork that she still had to get through.

“As you wish, Major. I'll gather the troops and meet you outside.” He salutes and heads back out to the ward.

Bollocks, now her entire staff and Bernie would be watching her date. It was too late to get in touch with Lydia to change the venue and what would her excuse be? Sorry, I just want to hide you away from the people I work with and the woman I potentially have feelings for.

“Right. I'll just head off. I'll be at Albies too as it happens.” She tries not to look anxious at the admission.

“I'll try to keep the rabble from disturbing your date then.” Bernie's smile is tight and close mouthed. “Enjoy your evening.”

“Thanks. You too.” Serena starts towards the door and then half turns back to say something else before she thinks better of it and leaves.

Bernie wonders if she could back out of the plans, just give the others the money for their drinks, but Serena had heard her agree to come. She didn't really want to watch Serena on a date, and if her comment was to be believed, with another woman. She'd just have to suck it up and accept that she'd screwed up and ruined any chance there had been for something more between them.

Serena walks in to the bar and notes that it is unusually quiet, she's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. She spots Lydia, recognising her from her profile, at a small, relatively private booth in the corner and heads over.

“You must be Serena.” Lydia stands to greet her with a soft peck on the cheek. “I hope you don't mind, I got us a bottle to share. It's not Shiraz, but at least it's red.” She explains a little apologetically.

“Lovely.” Serena slings her coat on the back of the chair and lets Lydia pour them both a glass.

“So you work at the hospital I passed on the way in?” Lydia hums as she takes her first sip.

“Yes. Sorry for the change of place, but I'd never have made it to the other side of town in time and I didn't want you thinking you'd been stood up.” Serena smiles sweetly at her date.

“No worries. It's pleasant enough in here.” Lydia returns the smile. “So, tell me about yourself.” She looks intently over at the brunette.

“Oh well, I'm not sure what there is to tell. 52, surgeon, divorced, one daughter and a nephew. That's about it.” Serena doesn't know if that's what Lydia was expecting.

It's just then that her colleagues enter the bar and notice her. She waves as surreptitiously as she can at them all. “I work with them.” She explains when Lydia sees the wave.

“Well, well, well. Looks like Serena's date is shaping up nicely.” Fletch spies the pair, who seem to be getting on well.

“Date?” Morven stretches up to see them over Fletch’s shoulder. “What makes you think that?”

“She told me herself.” Fletch looks decidedly smug at being in the loop.

“Alright boys and girls, let's try to give them some space. Who wants what?” Bernie tries to move their focus away from Serena. She can't help but look over at the scene. A stab of jealousy hits that leaves her breathless.

Serena catches her watching and can't seem to look away. She could just go over and put at end to all this awkward silliness between them. Just kiss the infuriating, brilliant woman staring at her.

“So you were married?” Lydia forces her to look back at her.

“Unfortunately. Although he did give me Ellie so it wasn't all terrible.” Serena continues to glance over at Bernie every so often.

“Have you never been in a relationship with a woman before?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Not really. This is sort of a new development for me.” Serena admits nervously.

“So what's with the blonde?” Lydia shocks her with the question.

“Who?” Serena knows she means Bernie, and the look that Lydia fixes her with tells her she knows she knows.

“The one who keeps looking over and giving me dagger eyes. The one you're trying not to stare right back at.” Lydia challenges.

“Am I that obvious?” Serena thought she was hiding it better. “She works with me. We're friends. She kissed me, I kissed her back and then she said afterwards that it was best not to take things any further. So we're just friends.”

“I'd say she's regretting that decision.” Lydia watches Bernie watch them.

“She hasn't mentioned it since. There's nothing there.” Serena convinces herself that if Bernie had changed her mind, she would say something.

“Listen, Serena. I'm not really one to go for someone who is hung up on someone else. It doesn't end well in my experience. It was great to meet you, but for what it's worth, you need to talk to her.” Lydia stands and slips her coat on. “Take care.” She leans in to kiss the brunette's cheek again.

Serena nods, she knows Lydia is probably right. “You too.” She smiles at the redhead as she leaves.

Bernie sees the kiss and immediately tenses. She was ridiculously jealous of some woman she doesn't even know. This was getting out of hand. She watches the woman go and then looks back at Serena, who meets her eye with a small smile and a resigned shrug as she sits back down to finish her wine alone.

Bernie's feet move of their own accord and before she knows it she’s standing over the brunette.

“Date not go well?” She asks sympathetically.

“She's not for me.” Serena avoids saying _because I want you._

 _“_ Need some help with that?” Bernie offers to share the bottle with her.

“Sure.” Serena smiles up at the blonde and gestures to the empty seat opposite her.

“So, what was wrong with her? Oh God, don't tell me she hates Shiraz?” Bernie jokes, glad to see Serena laugh.

“No, nothing like that. Just not what I'm looking for.” Serena dodges the real answer.

“What's that then?” Bernie isn't sure why she's trying so hard to help Serena find someone, when she wants to be with her.

“I...uh...I don't really know. I've never been on a date with a woman. I just knew she wasn't it. You know how it is.” Please stop asking me, she silently begs.

“Hm.” Bernie nods knowingly as she sips her wine. “This isn't bad for a non-Shiraz.” She changes the topic.

“Yeah. But it's a poor substitute when you just want the real thing.” Serena wishes she meant her drink.

“I guess.” Bernie agrees, oblivious to the brunette’s true meaning.

“Anyway, I should get off home. Jason wants to watch University Challenge together. Only because he knows I have no hope of beating him.” Serena puts her coat back on and smiles at her friend before heading off to flag down a taxi outside.

“I'll come too. The rest of them look like they're here for the night and I'm exhausted.” Bernie and Serena look over and wave goodbye to their colleagues.

“Well, goodnight then.” Serena tries to stride on ahead, with the blonde nipping at her heels.

“Serena!” She calls out to slow the brunette down.

“Yeah.” She turns to face her.

“You are perfect just as you are. Someone worthy of you will come along. I'm sure of it.” Bernie smiles softly at her.

“I...” Serena was not expecting that. She leans in to the blonde, every cell in her body desperate to kiss her.

Bernie sees the way Serena's eyes flicker between looking in her eyes and staring unashamedly at her mouth. _She wants to kiss me_ , the thought stuns the blonde. Maybe she hadn't blown her chance after all. All it would take is a tiny movement of her head to join their lips. She starts to move, eyes fixed on Serena's mouth.

They are almost there, can feel the other's breath on their lips, when Bernie backs away. Serena initially looks hurt by the blonde's change of heart, but forces her face to show cold indifference.

“Goodbye, Bernie.” She stalks off to the taxi rank, leaving Bernie to curse her own uselessness once again. She knows Serena deserves better than her and that's what stops her from just taking what she wants. _Serena_. She decides to walk home, so that she doesn't have to follow the brunette. She meant it when she said Serena would find someone worthy. She is sad to admit that she knows it isn't her. She is sad that she'll have to watch Serena be with whoever it turns out to be.


	2. Tina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know this (and all the others...) hasn't been updated in a while. Hope it's worth the wait... Thanks for sticking with me!

Lydia had been a disaster. She hadn't realised that her Bernie obsession was written all over her face anytime the blonde was in the vicinity. She would just have to try harder to quell the longing for the mesmerising trauma surgeon when she was on a date with someone else. No going to places where Bernie could show up, no talking about her or even thinking about her in company. It sounded like an impossible task but Bernie had made it abundantly clear, again, that she wasn't interested. Maybe she should stop seeing the dating site as a way to figure out what she felt for the blonde. She knew now that Bernie wasn't jealous of the fact that she was dating other women and it wasn't making her pine for her any less. Perhaps she needed to start using it as a viable way to move on. She had found Lydia reasonably attractive, nowhere near to the extent that Bernie made her burn with want and desire, but she had to admit her interest was piqued.

  
“Hello, boss.” Fletch brought her out of her thoughts as he approached her at the nurses station.

  
“Fletch.” She smiles up at his cheeky grin. “What?” She knew that look.

  
“So how was the big date the other night?” She frowns and ignores the question entirely as he scurries after her into the office. “Aw come on. We saw her leave early, but is a second date on the cards?” He wasn't letting this go it would seem.

  
Bernie glances up from her paperwork to smile at her in greeting and roll her eyes in sympathy at Fletch’s insatiable need for gossip.

  
“I don't see how that is a) any of your business or b) appropriate work conversation. Aren't there any patients today? I'm sure I saw some out there.” She moves her head in the direction of the door and ultimately the ward.

  
“No second date then?” Fletch fishes regardless.

  
“Nurse Fletcher!” Serena swats him with the nearest chart, but can't help chuckling at his insistence. “No second date, no. I do have another first date tonight though...” She adds with a tiny smirk. “Now back to work!”

  
“Another lady friend or a gentleman?” Fletch carries on.

  
“Out!” Serena points towards the door and Fletch knows not to push his luck any further. “I swear, he's singlehandedly responsible for the rumour mill in this place.” She casts her gaze to the blonde at the desk opposite with a raised eyebrow.

  
“You should know better than to encourage him. Best not to admit to anything.” Bernie chuckles as she leans over to grab another chart, tampering down all the questions she herself has about Serena's impending date.

  
“I'm not going to stop having a love life just to avoid Fletch’s unrelenting curiosity.” Serena quips and saunters back out on to the ward for rounds, leaving Bernie staring at her back and burning with jealousy. She didn't like the way Serena said love life and she seethed because it was nothing to do with her. She'd put paid to that with her own foolish notions of being noble and trying not to ruin their friendship. She had thought Serena was unequivocally straight and had no desire to be burned by falling for her heterosexual best friend. Seeing her on a date with another woman had spun that whole theory on its head and left her reeling. Ignoring all of that, she still couldn't shake the belief that Serena was too good for a screwed up, emotional cripple like her. She deserved someone who would wax lyrical about how magnificent she was, who could and would shout it from the rooftops how much they adored her. That person was not Bernie. She just became a tongue tied shambles of a human being around the brunette when feelings were involved. She would just get all flustered and hot and ramble nonsensically, before scampering off to die of shame.

  
“Red phone. Trauma call. Might take both of us.” Serena pops her head back around the door, waiting expectantly for Bernie to spring into action.

  
“Let's get going.” Bernie finally moves.

  
“Thanks.” Serena smiles over at her as they get everything prepped for the patient.

  
“Well, I am the trauma specialist. Hardly right for me to let you do all the work.” She returns the smile with a kind squeeze of the brunette’s forearm.

  
“True!” Serena laughs at that. “And if we're lucky, between us we can get this sorted before I'm late for another date and you can get home on time too.” She smiles warmly at the other woman.

  
Bernie stiffens at yet another mention of Serena's plan for the evening, but hides it quickly. “Right, you can't keep her waiting I suppose.”

  
“Not the best first impression, no.” Serena agrees.

  
So it was another woman again then, Bernie thinks as she wonders how she'd read her friend so completely wrongly.

  
The blonde is even more taciturn than normal throughout the procedure and Serena can't help but notice the creases in her brow that seem to have nothing to do with what's on the table in front of them. She knows Bernie could suture this with one hand and her eyes closed.

  
“Are you ok?” She looks over at Bernie with concerned eyes.

  
“Perfectly.” Bernie replies without meeting her eye and carries on with closing the patient. “And we're done. Good work everyone.” She acknowledges the efforts of the whole team as always, and leaves a bewildered Serena to practically chase her to the scrub room.

  
“Bernie, what's wrong?” Serena stands beside her scrubbing at her hands as she watches the blonde do the same.

  
“Nothing.” She says too quickly and Serena fixes her with a knowing stare. “I just...I didn't know that you were...” Bernie stops herself before all of the thoughts inside her head just fall out of her mouth. _I didn't know that you were interested in women. Are you interested in me? Because I am driven to distraction by how attracted I am to you. I made a terrible mistake. I want you. I want you so much. I think of little else but kissing you again. And then more than just kissing you_... Bernie sighs heavily as she realises that she can't say any of that out loud.

  
Serena studies the blonde’s face as a series of emotions seem to flash over her features, wondering what on earth she was thinking. “You didn't know that I was...?” She tries to prompt the rest out of her.

  
“What time is your date? I don't want to keep you.” Is all Bernie says instead.

  
Serena notices the time suddenly. “Oh God, I have to go. If you're sure you're alright?” She quickly dries off her hands and waits for Bernie to respond.

  
“Go on. Enjoy. I'm fine.” Bernie assures her as she watches Serena all but run to the locker room ahead of her. She doesn't want to be in there with Serena while she gets ready for her evening, so she does one final round of the ward first. Once she sees Serena come back to grab her bag from the office, she heads in after her.

  
“I look ok, right?” Serena tries to do something with her hair, raking her fingers through it and willing it into some semblance of neatness. Her make up is acceptable she supposes, as she glances her reflection in her compact mirror. She gazes up from it shyly to ask Bernie's opinion.

  
“You look so much more than ok.” Bernie responds, eyes unflinchingly fixed on Serena's. “You always look beautiful.” She bites her lip at that, realises that she'd said too much.

  
Serena just stares at her then. First her comment outside Albies and now this. She didn't know what to make of Bernie Wolfe sometimes. “You wouldn't say that if you saw me first thing in the morning.” She realises too late how that sounds and blushes head to toe at the possible implications of her poorly chosen joke.

  
Bernie's brain misfires as it is flooded with images of exactly how beautiful Serena would undoubtedly look in that scenario. The thought of waking up next to her after having held her in her arms all night, being the first person to see her as she wakes up with a sleepy smile just for her. Both tired but blissfully happy, having fallen asleep tangled together after they'd spent the night making love. She shakes her head, curls bouncing from side to side, trying to rid those kinds of thoughts from her mind and has a similar flush on her own cheeks. “I, um...you'd best be off. Don't be late. Enjoy your evening.” Bernie smiles unconvincingly and turns her attention to more paperwork, failing miserably at not tracking every departing step that Serena takes and sighing at the idea of her falling for some other woman.

Serena doesn't want to go anymore, she wants to ask Bernie to come share a bottle of Shiraz with her at Albies. Or her place. Or Bernie's. She wants to sit the silly woman down and just bloody tell her that she is magnificent and gorgeous and that she wants her desperately, beyond all reason and logic, that it is not entirely outside of the realms of possibility that she is head over heels for her. In love with her ridiculously untameable hair and startling laugh and just about everything else about her. Even the things she likes least about herself, Serena adores it all. She does none of those things and instead heads for the chosen bar for her next date. _Tina_.

 

  
“Well now, you're Serena.” Tina shakes her hand in greeting a bit too hard for Serena's liking and her shoulder aches slightly as the woman continues to cling on for a lot longer than she needed to. “And I'm Tina. Serena and Tina. Oh that's rhymes!” The noise that comes out of the other woman's mouth at her own wittiness can only be described as something akin to a donkey braying, crossed with someone throwing up. Serena had never heard anything quite like it. She wasn't sure that she wanted to really.

  
Unfortunately that seems to be the highlight of their evening together. Tina is 44 and works in marketing. She is nowhere near as hilarious as she believes herself to be and laughs raucously at all of her own jokes. Bernie's laugh is cuter, Serena thinks for the millionth time as she's sure she can feel her ears start to bleed from the sound. They have very little in common and Serena almost leaves there and then when Tina point blank says that she detests all red wine, especially Shiraz.

  
She suffers through as much of the conversation as is polite, before making her excuses and suggesting that it might be best if they didn't meet up again as they seem to be less compatible in person. She almost sobs with relief when Tina accepts this and agrees wholeheartedly. She goes home a little more deflated as she wonders if this endeavour was worth the hassle.

  
She plays the whole thing down when Fletch inevitably asks how her date went the next day, laughing and joking along when she tells them all about Tina.

  
“I mean, her first words were some quip about our names rhyming. I ask you.” Serena chuckles unconvincingly as she turns to see Bernie listening in.

  
“Ha.” Bernie offers a small smile and pretends to be fascinated by the chart she was holding, but keeping one ear on the conversation. She was still ridiculously jealous but ultimately relieved that the date seemed to have gone badly. Then that thought makes her feel guilty because Serena deserved to be happy.

  
“Fancy coming to mine for dinner tonight? Jason is seeing Alan and it would be nice to have some company. Your company, I mean.” Serena tentatively poses the question as she pulls Bernie aside. She missed her friend, even if that was all they'd ever be, she wanted to spend time with Bernie, to have her in her life in some capacity.

  
“Sure. That would be great.” Bernie replies shyly, trying to fight the huge grin threatening to break out at any moment.

  
“Fantastic! I'll see you at say 7pm? I'm making chilli. Jason won't eat anything too spicy so I usually treat myself to it when he's otherwise engaged.” Serena beams as her phone buzzes in her pocket. “Oh...” Her smile falls away a little as she taps into whatever notification came up on her screen.

  
“Everything ok?” Bernie frowns in concern watching her study her phone.

  
Serena struggles with what to tell the blonde. “It's...um...well there's this woman...she wants to meet up tonight. It's just this dating app on my phone you know, figured it was time I got back on the horse as they say and since you kissed me, well I realised that I enjoyed it and...” Serena sees the other woman’s eyes widen at her confession and becomes aware of how her inner ramblings are just falling out of her mouth. “...I just never thought of women. Like that. Not you, just generally and now...” Serena falters not sure what the end of that particular thought was.

  
“It's fine, Serena. Tell her you'll be there. We can have chilli any time.” Bernie's words are sharp, clipped and she turns to walk swiftly in the opposite direction. She had her answer now: Serena was interested in women and Bernie had helped her awaken that part of herself. She just wasn't interested in Bernie specifically. And that was fine. Just peachy. Bernie was disastrously in love with Serena and she in turn wanted everyone but Bernie it seemed. Perfect.

  
Serena watches the blonde leave, unaware of the tears streaking her friend's cheeks and curses her own foolish tongue for denying the truth of her feeling for the trauma surgeon. She should go after her, be honest. Instead she heads to the locker room. It would appear she had a date to get to. Even if it wasn't with the one she really wanted...


End file.
